Save the Masses, Silence the Individual!

I realised this morning that I haven’t really posted anything here in a while, so I thought this was a nice opportunity. I say I realised this morning, it’s actually a thoughts that’s been buzzing around in my head for a while, so whether I have finally been overcome with guilt or disappointment in myself; I’ve given in and here I am now thinking of something to discuss.

Much like a sad looking tortoise, I really have no idea where I am going, with this article that is. As I finish the line you’ve just read and start reading this one I now have a topic. The topic that has just sprung into my head you ask- its blogging (of course!). You have to wonder why it is someone who spends most of their week hurling his opinion of politics and the world on to strangers like some kind of fat, moustache lacking version of Hitler. Why does this individual no longer have anything to blog about? And the answer is…well, that’s the thing, I have no idea. So as any good authoritarian dictator does, I’m just going to make it up.

After poking through the ‘comment is free’ sections of the Guardians website, a story kept coming up. Racism in football. Now I really could not care less about the story itself, it’s just a particular quote that annoyed me a little ‘this Sepp Blatter racism row shows Britain’s morals are better than its football’. These words came from someone called Marina Hyde, now I can’t tell if that’s a man or a woman, so instead of offending their genitals, I’m going to destroy their opinion. First of all from what I can make out Mr Blatter is the old man in charge of football, so logically my first point is, all old people are racist so who cares? My second point is that most British people are naturally racist, so once again who cares, thirdly footballers are overpaid and mostly retarded, so who cares about them? Lastly, this is the 21st Century, where there are no such things as morals so once again, who cares? Well apparently a lot of people care. All of whom I’m sure have a variety of opinions and thoughts they squirt everywhere like the smell of urine that wafts off of most homeless people. Some of these people probably sit on some kind of parents association, have radical views on Europe. Some will be educated and fluent in their expressions, others will have the same way with words that Kerry Katona has. The point I’m making here is sometimes people really shouldn’t be given an opinion. Not because I don’t agree with them (well, partly), but mainly because they just make the world a little more difficult to live in.

When I first started this blog I posted an article on how it was part of the human condition to want to express ourselves. This is true. However if we put this universal need for expression into a political context (I’m using what I know), it’s certainly arguable that mass expressionism (as it shall be known) is harmful to democracy. We supposedly live in a liberal democracy, and for those who don’t know liberalism is a focus on the individual, whilst democracy is a focus on the masses. Yes that does mean the dominant global polity of the moment is a contradiction in turns, but it may also be killing us. Liberal values give us a right to express ourselves, yet often our expressions are too many and too varied, it makes democratic decision making very hard. The masses are suffering, well that’s what all the Occupy protestors are saying (they all happen waft the smell of urine everywhere too).

We end up in a tricky position, must we all donate some our individual freedom for the good of the masses, to ensure people like me, with our lack of moustaches are silenced? Should we all go communist? If China is anything to go by then, yes! It doesn’t take a reasonable person to realise that I have made a lot offensive and sweeping comments and judgements on society. Is this very article not the proof that is needed, that the mouth of liberalism needs shutting. The opinionated need to be restrained! Won’t someone stop us? And stop us now!!!

A Tribute to a Saint

Good morning, this sombre Thursday morning is made now sadder by the death of a Diety, a legend, a genius. Saint Jobs passed away yesterday. He left millions of apple products distraught and and losing signal, and millions of customers wondering if there will be some kind of comemorative moment, by which I mean all iPods simultaneously switch on and play 'time to say goodbye'. He has bought so much happiness into so many lives, he may have made fancy pieces of plastic, but those plastics went out into the world and changed the lives of the people they met. Ask a stranger when they had the first apple flavoured realtionship and they will remeber the time and the place to exact detail. To go into a Cave of Holliness and consult a genius became for many, a pilgrimage, the variety of gleaming treasures sat abundently on ugly wooden tables while fat girls ask of you want help, it was paradise. And whilst the Fuhrer is gone his legacy remains, his spirit lives on in every piece of album artwork and bird related app. In any case His Holy Father will be missed greatly and remebered for ever.

In the name of iPod, the iPhone and the holy mac, amen.

An Interview with God

Sat here now, waiting for my coffee to transistion from lava to something that I can drink, a thought popped into my head that I thought needed adressing. After consult, I came to the conclusion there was something seriously wrong with my review of South Park in my last post. So in the spirit of the occassion I'm gona try again, this time though, reviewing something far simpler. Starbucks. That sexy mermaid has marked the captialist era perfectly, squirting her mermaid eggs, here, there and literally everywhere.

I sit opposite my guest for this morning, his name is americano and he is black. It must be poured out that starbucks is a pretty multicultural place, iced coffee sharing the board with potent espresso, paninnis sharing the fridge with cake, what the menu at starbucks represents is one of the worlds most diverse and peaceful societies, a eutopia. It may seem a little calous of me to compare the starbuck menu to the goal of all humanity, but I sure as hell feel at total peace when looking at it.

This paticular starbucks I'm at the moment, has been a haunt of mine for many enduring years, and it's always been a refuge. The decor is moderate and minimalist at best, it's very...anorexic. The atmosphere is of warm and nostril hugging coffee which is ofcourse always good.

The service here has always been decent, however I haven't visited in a while and it's gone a little downhill. Staff stand around like mothers in a playground gossiping and service is a little slower than I appreciate. But still, ok.

My dear friend Americano is making wonderful company and at £2 for a pond sized cup, it's wondeful value for money. Apart from the strange fishy smell that oozes like a cows uterus during labour, the taste and appearence all hit the bar.

Americano moved to the USA as a young boy and much like a Mario Puzo story he grew up to become a true Don. His presence is ominous, and to be fair, there is good reason. There are not many drinks left of the menu that have held their true identity, Americano is one of them. Descended origionally from the coffees of old, Americano has never been tainted by cream or a shot of vanillia. I really do live coffee and thi paticular coffee i tgink symbolises everything that Starbucks aims to be, simple, decent and everywhere (he just got spilt all over the table).

Starbucks has emerged quickly to become a pillar of any decent civilization, much like a hallmark, no town, no city is complete with out a Starbuck to fill you mug and suck dry your wallet. If there were a phrase to sum up what Starbucks is, well then it's Starbucks own motto "Its not just coffee it's Starbucks". Amen to that!

You’re Only as Old as You Feel

This is a momentous day for all…the readers of this blog, the privileged few.  My first proper review. Some may remember some time ago I wrote an article on a local pub of mine, I personally don’t really consider this a review, it was more of an angry rant mixed in with some slander, and a pinch of death threat. None the less, today I am actually going to attempt to write a proper review, in the words of my generation, OMG! I’ve spent a little time reading around, looking for what type of style I want this piece to conform to, I came to the conclusion it was either going to have to be the Empire style (review a really shit film and call it gold, just to get some exclusive access to James Cameron), and then of course there is the wildly offensive and simile heavy, scathing review, in which you’ve been so offensive that the only reason anyone invites to review their shit again, is because it gets good readership, or as I call it the AA Gill. I’m going for something in between.  

[SPOILER ALERT! If you haven’t seen this week’s South Park…well I am going to ruin it for you, so either continue reading or click on some of my ads.] The mid-season finale of South Park this week was entitled ‘Your Getting Older’, and invited us to Stan’s 10^th Birthday. Now, because I am incapable of spending the next few sentences explaining the opening like an interior decorator describing the soft furnishing she’s chosen, let’s just cut the shit. Stan starts disliking things he used to like, and is diagnosed with cynicism. Randy (Stan’s Dad) tries to stay youthful by embracing the sounds of tween wave music. And Sharon (Stan’s Mum) is on her period. We all know what it’s like to get older (except of course you Benjamin Button-mofo!), and Stan is no exception this episode saw him turn on the music he loved, the food he loved, and LA Noire, for Stan it’s all just a big pile of shit. Sadly, it only gets worse for the salt shaker of a boy. After a growing tension between the two Randy and Sharon are getting a divorce and it’s through an unusually serious and emotional conversation that the couple have, that we hear what may define the shows future and what will define this episode. Sharon talks of being bored, and unable to carry on. Much like a Lemony Snickett story, South Park has been the home to 15 years of bizarre, sycophantic, and damn hilarious characters and stories, but it is possible the events of the recent episode signify the last season of the show…ever!   

I don’t want to sadden you too much so we will continue; my highlight of the whole episode has to be the cynical old men, the saviour of britches everywhere, and more possibly the closest thing to two characters that resemble Parker and Stone, to ever appear on the show. After a few questionable episodes this season, Parker and Stone have really pulled it back, the execution of this mass shitting was perfect, yes that is correct, a near perfect episode. Funny yet meaningful, this episode may indeed be the beginning of the end, but until that day comes I can say with pride, I consider myself a devout resident of South Park.

Coming Soon...

I thought it was the right time of the year to give you an idea of what's coming up this summer, so here we go...

I thought it would be a good idea to finally get a review or two done. I haven't quite yet worked out what, but as any decent human being does, I'll make it up on the spot. Perhaps a film and a TV review. The purpose being, I like films, I like TV and i like my own opinion, so what better a way to combine them.

As the TV season comes to an end, this is the perfect opportunity to do a review. Yes there are shows that are still running and some yet to begin (i can only think of one, but I'm looking so forward to the new season of breaking bad, I'm dedicating this whole point to it). There is the sad prospect of South Park coming to an end, and after this weeks totally awesome episode, it's only fitting that my first review be dedicated to that (I literally just decided that here).

I'm also considering a restraunt review, another of my tender, loving hobbies is to eat in places and complain how bad the food is, and whether the waitress is a lesbian or not. In short restraunt review is also on the to do list.

So make sure to look out for my South Park review sometime soon (maybe even today if i can drink enough coffee)

Forecast: Awesome-ness

In my mind I would like to open here with a nice quote that beautifully symbolised the meaning of this post, unfortunately I can’t be bothered to find one. I’m writing this now because I should be doing something else, something that really isn’t any fun. So here we are now, me and you…whoever you are. The inspiration for this comes from something that I watched the other day, something that was so bad I have no interest in alluding to what it was, as they any publicity is good publicity, so I’m not telling you. What I will tell you is this is about the weather.

           Yes that’s right it’s about the weather. The default topic of conversation for any civilised human being. What is perhaps worth comment though, is how often we actually take note of the weather. Yesterday was May 21^st and according some Norman, or Mormon, or…religious moron, the world was going to end. I can confirm the world did not end. According to retard Jesus as he shall now be known, earthquakes were supposed to sweep across the planet and syphilis was to infect the planet…or something like that anyway. As I mentioned, I can confirm I don’t have syphilis. I digress. The weather. Right now it’s really quite blustery, with showers and broken cloud…its fucked up is what I’m trying to say. Even though the weather is often discussed, forecasts and such, how often do we really appreciate how damn cool the weather and the climate and such really are, they’re really cool (no pun intended). So next time you look up to see if it’s going to rain, appreciate how amazing it is. By the way if you don’t get why the weather is just an amazing thing, id suggest you go watch American Beauty or some shit like that, because if you can’t appreciate how awesome the weather is, you’re simply just not human.           

Ooops...

Mad Men, Women and Children

It's been a little while since my last post and I'll explain why in my usual exagerated and overly offensive way, then ofcourse the actual post-advertising (about time)!!! Anyway, it gas indeed been a while, the main reason being that iv been subjected to a number of exams. Yeah, that stale shit based time of year has come around again! The exam period is much like mother natures period, it comes round like clock work, causes much anguish and involves a shit load of red! The anguish ofcourse is self explanatory-they're exams, and the red refers to the red ink that stains so many of those inglorious answer scripts (what else would red be about?). Cutting it short, iv got a couple of weeks before my next couple of exams so I'm gona take this oppurtunity to post a little something.

Advertising has grown from the days of old, when mad men strolled round the city, dreaming of the next big idea to sell the world to God. A marvellous day has come and gone, now sadly the world has been sold, to Google that it is. Whilst I'd never speak too ill of my masters (they've been both generous in providing me with infinite email accounts and ofcourse blogger). It's really not a good idea to shit where you eat, so I'm gona be a little cautious of what I say (yes, I'm actually being cautious!). The internet has gone far beyhond the grid that jeff bridges once dreamed of, the Internet has grown to a level that no one could have ever forseen, it is beyhond anything, anyone could imagine. And the crowning glory of this global network of porn addicts (you've probably got a tab open right now), advertising!

Adverts penetrate every apect of everyday of your life. Radio, tv, newspaper, bilboard, poster, Internet, everywhere. A company can be propelled to huge success through advertising, cadbury, apple, that stupid insurance selling meerkat, advertising has become a king maker. The idea that an image can get into your head, and then persuade you to go out and buy some random...espresso machine (George Clooney is a persuasive guy), is rediculous one. But it is something we are subjected to everyday. So ofcourse what must be asked is ofcourse, what are the effects of such a bombardment?

You know the sad thing, I don't know the answer to that question. What has become apparent whilst iv been writing this is advertising has been warped into a cool and glamorous industry, with huge luxurius companies at the helm, what we are missing here though is some truth, the big question is: What would Don do?

That's So Random

I fear I may have taken the title for this post from a pun of a Disney tv show, well at least I have according to the sky programme planner. Anyway this post concerns randomness. There's always been debate over religion and science, fate and randomness, I guess I wanted to have a little chat about randomness. Or what I like to think of as the spice of life. Believe me when I say this, you have no idea where this is going!

Randomness is a wonderful thing, it's a beautiful thing as well, and I mean beautiful in an American Beauty sense, the sense that something can be both destructive and ultimately bad, but ultimately beautiful as well. Randomness is said to work in all sorts of ways that out mind cannot even imagine, but randomness, I believe is crucially something that we fear. Worlds have fallen to there needs through the presence of randomness, stock markets don't like it, computers don't like it, human being do not like it, nature does not like it! Or so we are lead to believe. We desperately search for pattern in everything, nature, numbers, time itself. If time were random, who knows where would be. If there were not patterns of predictability in the world, we would be as screwed as Paris Hilton at a handycam festival. Summary: random is bad.

But if we take a simple yet perverse example of meeting random stranger on the Internet, in chat rooms, whilst your out and about, it's exciting. Not knowing the next step, is for some a very horrible prospect! But think about those momenta you were indeed uncertain, you may have been scared and unsure, but it was exciting wasn't it. Much like leaving home without your phone, it feels risky and dangerous. This us fun. Whilst I have no intention of living my own life just making random choices as I go along, I still enjoy those moments in life when you don know what to do. Why fear it? What's the point of living if you can't feel alive? Like many subject I blog about, this involves getting over one more obstacle that holds us back and stops is living life to the degree it should be lived. So go fourth and be random! It's bloody good fun!

An Apology- The Glass is Half Empty

I apologise for doing this but I'm giving a review of a local pub of mine. The Danson Stables. What was meant to be a quiet evening drink with a couple of friends, was in fact one of the worst experiences of my life. That may sound over dramatic, and it is, but still, it was really bad! The place was empty, and this was on a Friday night! Despite being empty, it took the barmen (who I'll get to in a moment) so long to serve 3 drinks that I actually had the time to go to the toilet and comeback. The selection of drinks was really the most surprising thing. They had nothing! Dirty tasting beers, barely any spirits, and over priced, over descriptive wine list, that could have been put together by your local newsagent! One of our friends didn't have any ID on him and was subsequently refused service, despite him clearly being over 18, and not even the one buying the drinks! It gets worse! When we bought a drink on his behalf, we were confronted by the dumb, abrasive, unfriendly, PONYTAILED, barman, who looked like he was more suited to selling crack than he was food and alcohol! After threatening to throw us out of the urinal of a pub, we decided to leave anyway. With such a pretty building and amazing location, it's shocking how the interior of the pub resembles a set from Downton Abbey! The place stank of smoke, and cheaply microwaved food, the tables were sticky and there bits of food left on them from other peoples plates, we had what appeared to be mint or some other herb stuck down with semen, or some other condiment. Considering this place is situated in a park, it's certainly not family friendly, there is an untidy, crooked beer garden. And out the front is the carpark, why not let your kids play under a car? From checking out a few reviews on the food, I hear that's pretty damn awful, and from the menu it appears everything is served with peas! Everything! All in all this pub is a waste of time, money and space, three things I value dearly. So unless you are interested in having your kids refused a bag of crisps because they need their parent to be served them, you want a poor selcetion of food and drink served to you by complete morons, that keep vinegar in a cupboard outside, and want to contract MRSA, then visit Danson Stable. You might like it....if your fucking retarded!

I'm modern man and I'm a drug addict

So firstly let's make it clear, this is posting to both my blogs, the personal one, and the blattle field. Subject your wondering! My holy grail: espresso, the true elixer of life. I'm drinking espresso right now, I'll be drinking espresso later and I'll be drinking espresso to the day I die! What I'm saying is: my name is Sam Porter and Im a caffeine adict. Espresso is nothing more than a drug. Like an addict I wake up and need it! I get grumpy when I don't get it, whilst working, I cannot function without it! That brings me to the point I'm trying to make: what's the difference between me and my caffeine, a smoker, an alcoholic an a drug addict? Nothing. They are the same thing. Drug addicts. I go further. Paracetamol, asprin even antibiotics, these are all drugs, that we in the modern world rely on. Yes they are benficial, but with the apprarence of superbugs resistant to our modern day magic, perhaps we are becoming too chemically dependent. Our quest to prolongue our lives, is perhaps in fact our demise.

So, now iv called most of the planets population, drug addicts, and condemed the human rac to extinction through our overuse of drugs and chemicals, surely your expecting me to suggest a solution? Well I will, buts it's not what you would expect. I propose that we embrace our drug filled lives and get on with it, sure we could doom humanity, but if you've learnt anything from my previous thoughts, we're doomed already. Go fourth and abuse substances of a mind spinning variety. Cease the moment and live whilst you've got the oppirtunity!

The Gauntlet is thrown

Here, we, go...Have you ever heard the story of the brave knight who looked over his land, and was appaled at what he saw, so he went to the King and had a bit of a bitch-fest. The results of said fest where, the King made a decree to his Lords that that they should setup a special group to combat the evil in the land. The Lords were displeased at the prospect of having to do their jobs, so they punished the Knight by forcing him into the special group, suddenly the Knight wished he haddened opened his big fat mouth. So he, a lesbian, a couple of black guys, a couple of white guys and a retard set force into the realm of Baltimore and setup wire taps on pay phones. Ofcourse I refer to the Wire, the tv show, the...no thats it. I coud talk about the wire, as it appears I am, but like any good story, a springboard was required. The real subject here is in fact the phone hacking scandal. The News of the World (come on...news? I dont think so) has been hacking the phones of celebrities and politicians and who cares! My point here is that professional journalists needed to listen to the private messages of public individuals just to make stories. How is it possible that people employed to write and enlighten the world, are so incapable of using their imagination and own opinion to write an article? I can, im sure you can, and we do it for free, in our spare time, so why exactly are journalist becoming more and more incapable of writing instead or reporting! Sure, Sienna Miller is really rather hot, but why the hell would i want to read news thats been made up , based on her phone messages 'hi sienna, its mum, i got some fish finger in for the kids, you want any?

Wire tapping criminals or wire tapping celebrities? You put it like that and suddenly you realise that in fact that breaching of laws by a newspaper, a big cover up, lots of pay-offs, and plain old corruption shows us just how our tabloids work. They work by intruding into the lives of inncocent people and picking through every little bit of their exhistance, what im saying here is whats the differece between a criminal and a celebrity? Obvious isnt it? Criminals get a fair trial. Now suddenly it appears i may have just suggested that celebrities have a hard life. Whilst I could now hit on celebrities and celeb culture, I remember this is a war. and there are always 2 sides to a battle!

Rebuff that!

SO IT BEGINS

This is the first in what I hope is many a blog, aimed at defeating the Dark Lord Hirush (no pun intended). Blog on blog, man on...wait...no, im not saying that. Much like a dance-off, or yo mamma fight, we aim to retort one anothers post, with a blog of our own. It will be tough, it will be blood curdling and it will be damn funny, ut today we fight! We fight for attention, we fight for unique visits, we fight because someone has too!!!
By the way you can view Hirush's blog at: http://www.myamphigories.com/
Yeah, he actually setup a seperate site, what kind of blogger is that damn evil!!